Chronicling the follies of religion and superstition, the virtues of skepticism, and the wonders of the real (natural) universe as revealed by science. Plus other interesting and educational stuff.
"Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed”.
“Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense.”
KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.
(Now, this one is satire for sure.)
BEIJING — The online version of China’s Communist Party newspaper has hailed a report by The Onion naming North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as the “Sexiest Man Alive” — not realizing it is satire.
The People’s Daily on Tuesday ran a 55-page photo spread on its website in a tribute to the round-faced leader, under the headline “North Korea’s top leader named The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.”
Quoting The Onion’s spoof report, the Chinese newspaper wrote, “With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true.”
“Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile,” the People’s Daily cited The Onion as saying.
The photos the People’s Daily selected include Kim on horseback squinting into the light and Kim waving toward a military parade. In other photos, he is wearing sunglasses and smiling, or touring a facility with his wife.
People’s Daily could not immediately be reached for comment. A man who answered the phone at the newspaper’s duty office said he did not know anything about the report and requested queries be directed to their newsroom on Wednesday morning.
It is not the first time a state-run Chinese newspaper has fallen for a fictional report by the just-for-laughs The Onion.
In 2002, the Beijing Evening News, one of the capital city’s biggest tabloids at the time, published as news the fictional account that the U.S. Congress wanted a new building and that it might leave Washington. The Onion article was a spoof of the way sports teams threaten to leave cities in order to get new stadiums.
Two months ago, Iran’s semiofficial Fars news agency reprinted a story from The Onion about a supposed survey showing that most rural white Americans would rather vote for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than President Barack Obama. It included a quote from a fictional West Virginia resident saying he’d rather go to a baseball game with Ahmadinejad because “he takes national defense seriously.”I heard this on NPR yesterday and got a really good laugh. Fact checking is so important.
Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman
Christian Porn Film Climaxes With Birth Of Child
THIS IS FROM THE ONION - IT IS SATIRE. Hilariously accurate, but satire. :-) ~JJ
CLEVELAND—During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he’s squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone’s bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.
A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he’s wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people’s half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.
“Jesus Christ,” said Richman, taking in the overwhelming volume of useless crap he’s actively listened to over the years. “My whole life I’ve made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete bullshit.”
“Seriously,” Richman added, “what have I gained from treating everyone’s opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
According to Richman, it was just now hitting him how many hours of his life he’s pissed away listening intently to nonsense about celebrity couples, how good or bad certain pens are, and why a particular sports team might have a chance this year. The husband and father of two said that every time he’s felt at all put out or bored by a bullshit conversation—especially a speculative one about how bad allergy season was going to be—he should have just turned around, walked away, and gone rafting or rappelling or done any of the millions of other things he’s always wanted to do but never thought he had time for.
At various points throughout the day, Richman could be heard muttering to himself that he couldn’t believe he was almost 40 years old.
“Twenty minutes here, 10 minutes there. It all starts to add up,” said Richman, who sat down and figured out that between stupid discussions about favorite baby names and reviews of restaurants in cities he’ll never visit, he’d wasted 390 hours of his life. “And you know what the worst part is? It’s my fault. Here I thought being considerate to others by always listening patiently to what they had to say was the right thing to do. Well, fuck me, right?”
According to Richman, he started thinking about how much time he’s flushed down the toilet being an approachable person after a work meeting in which he let a coworker, David Martin, ramble on and on with an idea everyone knew was “total shit” the moment the man opened his mouth. Richman said that a single glance at the clock made him realize he had just spent 14 minutes of his finite time on earth not playing with his kids or being with his wife, but listening to garbage.
“It was like I stepped out of my body and saw myself actually listening to this man’s worthless drivel—but it wasn’t him who looked like a moron, it was me,” Richman said. “I was nodding my head like an asshole and saying ridiculous things like, ‘Right,’ and, ‘I see your point, Dave,’ when I should have just said, ‘Dave, your idea isn’t good and you are wasting our time and you need to shut up right now.’”
By his estimates, Richman’s receptiveness has resulted in 160 irreplaceable hours of listening to grossly uninformed political opinions, 300 hours of carefully hearing out both sides of pointless arguments, and at least a month of listening to his parents’ bullshit about how important it is to be open-minded.
Eighty days have been wasted on the inane blather of his college friend Brian alone.
“All those hours I could have been relaxing, or reading all these great books, or getting into shape, or working on side projects that I’m really excited about,” Richman said. “But instead I’ve been listening to overrated albums recommended to me by my asshole friends.”
“Did you know that in my life I’ve listened to five days’ worth of people talking about their furniture?” he added. “It’s true. That’s a trip to Europe right there.”
While Richman has vowed to cease being open-minded to absolute horseshit, acquaintances reflected on his approachability.
“I love Blake,” coworker David Martin said. “He’s such a good listener. A lot of people are closed-minded and self-absorbed, but Blake always makes an effort to hear where I’m coming from. The world could use more people like him.”